It's been a good year.

So I haven’t written a blog in a long time and I apologize for that. Over the last month and a half I’ve been trying my hand at managing the women’s center for St. Vincent de Paul, while looking for a job and a place to live out here in the bay area. So I’ve been pretty busy. It feels like a lot has happened since the last time I wrote a blog. There will be a new JV coming to St. Vincent’s and taking my spot as the Homeless Court Coordinator. In addition to that there will be a new women’s center supervisor. So changes are happening on this end. There were a few things I wanted to talk about the finishing up of a year of service and working at St. Vincent’s. Some of which I’ve said before, I’m sure.

This has been a year of joys and heartaches, on many different levels for me. I’ve seen miracles and I’ve seen things I would never care to see again. I can say as I look back on this year I definitely lived this year of my life to the extreme. I pushed myself to my absolute limits trying to do everything I could to live the best way I knew how. Trying to help people here at St. Vincent’s, be a good community member to my housemates, and try to live up to my own personal expectations of myself. But the thing I realized is it’s best to throw your expectations out the window, and JVC told me this coming into this year. Which is good advice because whatever expectations were dreamed up in my head a year ago about working a job across the country, and living with people I’ve never met before, were just that dreams. The reality of it was much different.

So that was a big thing I learned this year was that you never know what’s coming. Whatever you can imagine the future to be, chances are it will be much different. Thank god because I was pretty scared coming out here and imagined some pretty tough situations that I might have run into. But it also leaves me less afraid of the future and what might happen so I’m more able to open myself to new experiences. Anyways this is a lot of talking about myself, which I tend to do sometimes. But I wanted to sign off with a quote from Abraham Lincoln that says, "The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time." I’ve found that to be so true this year. I’ve found that it’s never useful cower in front of “what-ifs”. It’s much better to take them on like it doesn’t matter. And that’s it for me.

~Mike

Rants and Raves

Over the course of the last few weeks I’ve begun to apply for jobs and I am beginning to understand what a challenge it is to find a job. Apparently it seems like most employers have the luxury of having a lot more applicants then openings. So there is a lot of competition and I am beginning to understand some of the difficulties that my clients go through looking for a job. I have a college degree, a years worth of experience at a job with a fair amount of responsibility, and I have my head pretty straight on my shoulders. I couldn’t imagine what the process would be like if I was coming off an addiction, hadn’t worked in a few years and didn’t go to college. I feel like there is something wrong when the supply and demand of the workforce is heavily stacked to the benefit of employers.

The reality is that the work force really has the power. If people stopped working the companies and structure of our economy would fall apart. But instead we have a system that has people working ever harder to stay on top of the next guy. The structures that keep that system in place squeeze ever harder on people, and the people I work with get squeezed the hardest. When I graduated college I expected and I was told that my degree would get me a job. Not so, and if my degree doesn’t carry much weight then a high school diploma means nothing.

For some people it is near impossible for them to get a job or be a productive member of society. People with felonies and limited education no matter how they try for the most part they are stuck. There are some places that are able to help. I’ve seen St. Vincent’s Culinary Program help people get training and eventually jobs, but even that help is limited. It’s limited to a very specific type of job and it takes a tremendous amount of work by a lot of people to make any progress. It’s like trying to redirect the flow of the Mississippi River.

I can see why it’s a lot easier for people to stay on a fixed income then venture out and try to get a job. The odds are stacked against people trying to find work and the odds are really stacked against the clients I work with. It’s sad and frustrating. We can say that “well this is America and the will to succeed breeds success.” But I have a feeling that that is just dream that is sold in school. The reality is the working world is cut throat and no one really cares if you make it or not. I guess that’s evolution, survival of the fittest. My feeling is that if our society keeps going the way it is going the majority of people in this county won’t be fit enough to survive. Something needs to change.

Thanks for listening to my rants and raves.
~Mike

Also this is way off topic but I just figured out how to look at the comments people write and I just wanted to say thanks for reading my blog and sharing your own experiences. I usually just post stuff up and forget about it, but I’ll have to pay more attention to what people write and make some responses. It’s really reaffirming to hear that people read what I write and that it effects people enough that they want to contribute also. Thank you for that.

Water cooler break anyone?

The last half of May has been a busy month for just about all the staff and volunteers here at the Downtown Campus of St. Vincent de Paul. For whatever reason there were more people then average coming in for services. When this happens it makes for a very fast paced work environment which can be both good and bad. I might have mentioned this before in another one of my blogs, but sometimes the lobby in our community center feels like an emergency room. There are people walking through the doors with all kinds of problems, like not being able to find a place to stay for the night or needing someone to call an ambulance for them because they are having trouble breathing. It’s just a whirl wind of activity sometimes. It’s easy to get so caught up that the day is just gone in a flash and your left wondering what you did that day.

So at some point last week in the middle of all this organized chaos I got a phone call from Carla, the secretary at the front desk. She was asking me to come down and meet with a client. I think at the time I was organizing all of my homeless court cases so I could fax them out the next day. To make a long story short I was pretty busy at the time, but I like to make myself available to the people who come through the door who need to talk to me. So I decided I would meet him.

The person who was asking for me was a guy by the name of Mike. I had met him a couple of times before but I hadn’t seen in a while. We started talking for a little and in my mind I’m waiting for him to ask me for something that he needs. Like a homeless court application, some kind of referral, a phone number, or whatever. But he didn’t need any of that. He really just wanted to chat. He was talking about the weather, and about his kid, and about how it was neat that our names were the same, and how he wanted to show me how to play a card game, and so one and so on. So it didn’t take long before I started thinking to myself “Man I really don’t have the time for this, what do you need?” This went on for about 20 minutes, and I really wanted to just get out of there. I did not want to sit and chat at all.

Then it kind of occurred to me that maybe this is good a thing. Maybe I’m supposed to just relax in this situation and go with the flow. So I started talking with him about who knows what and just kind of letting the chaos of the community center and the heavy load of work I had to do just fade into the background for five minutes. You know what? I really lightened up, and we only talked for about another five minutes then he had to leave. But it really reminded me that it’s worth while to take time to soak in life and be with the people that walk through the doors of St. Vincent’s, because life is short and relationships matter. It also showed me that I’m not just some resource for a person, which fills some need. I am also a friend to the clients of St. Vincent’s. Who knew a simple “nonsense” conversation could wake me up. It was a lesson in disguise. So cheers to chatting about nothing.

~Mike

The Odds of Helping Someone

So whenever it comes time to write a blog, I always seem to have trouble figuring out what I want to write about. I think it might be the pressure of having to find something to write about. The strange thing is that usually about the time when I’m sitting down to write the blog something happens that I want to write about, and this happened yesterday when I was about to leave work. A lady came in and just wanted to thank me for helping her find shelter over the winter. She told me that she was able to save her money and because of that, and she now has a place. I was pretty caught off guard because I see a lot more failures then I do successes. To be able to see that one person make it made my day.

I’ve found that the odds of helping someone to change themselves for the better are not very good. I see a lot of the same people come through the doors of St. Vincent de Paul day after day. After having worked here for 8 months now it’s sometimes hard to see what has changed for the better, and on the whole I don’t think much has changed for the better. I still see people struggling with addiction, I still see people without homes and sleeping on the street, and I still see people with a hopeless look in their eyes. But I’ve come to realize that if just one person is living better because of the work I’ve done or the services of St. Vincent de Paul it’s worth it. All of the heartache I’ve seen is worth the one glimpse of success. Just the knowing that it is possible for someone to live a better life gives me hope.

When I first started JVC and working for St. Vincent I wanted to start a revolution. I wanted to light fire to injustice and poverty. I thought I was going to change the world from right here in Oakland. I didn’t realize that the very tiny changes and small successes were going to be the things I remembered. San Pablo Ave. is still San Pablo Ave. whether I’m here or not. I didn’t really do anything to clean up the streets. There is still drug use, prostitution and homelessness and I’m sure there will be for many years to come. However I was a witness to the ability of people to make changes for their own lives.

The funny thing I realized was that I really didn’t have to do anything about the problems here. I only had to see the problems, and see that it was possible for people to help themselves. I heard a quote recently by a spiritual teacher that said “there are only limitations in the world so they can be challenged, and there are only struggles in the world so they can be overcome.” Struggle, limits, and pain all have their right place in the world and they aren’t wrong. When I first came out here I wanted to take that all away from the people I saw out here. I wanted to do something for them to make it stop, but all I was supposed to see was that; yes there are people struggling and in pain and to be with them in that, is all that is needed. No changes are necessary, as bad as it all looks there is a purpose for it. So I want to thank God for heartache, pain, and struggle. It makes for a good teacher.

Self Honesty

So I was having a difficult time with figuring out what to write about in the blog, as I usually do, but I thought that I should write something about being honest with people. Over the past few weeks I have come into a greater appreciation of what it means to be honest with someone. My version on honesty up until about a month ago was being whatever anyone wanted me to be in an effort to make them happy. Pretty much just doing anything anyone wanted so that they would like me. Since coming here in August I’ve worked very hard at that, filling out applications for people in homeless court, giving out vouchers for the winter shelter, and living on $500 a month. I’m not saying that none of that was beneficial for me or anyone else, but the lesson it seems to be driving home is that no matter what you think you can do to get someone to like you, you have to like yourself first. Only then will people respect and understand who you are.

I realized this first hand when we tired to give out bag lunches last week. As some people may know we as an organization have had a bit of trouble trying structure the incoming people in the dining room. People come round and round without regard to the effort or work put into creating the meal, and much of the second and third meals are thrown away. So last Wednesday we started handing out bag lunches for the people who needed a meal. Our policy is that each person gets only one meal. Last week we tried to enforce that, and I decided to put myself on the front line. I decided that I would be the one to pull people out of line if I knew they already had a lunch. It didn’t take long for someone to get upset with me. The first guy I pulled out pretty much looked like he wanted to kill me. I was kind of expecting that so it didn’t bother me so much. There was also another guy there who was intent on getting in even though he had already had a lunch, and pushed he way through and everyone who was there had to escort him out.

After a whole morning of that I realized something, that it was ok to say no, and that the reality was that there were a lot of people who were putting in their time, effort, and money to help people and we all deserved to be treated with respect. Not walked all over. So I was honest with everyone and let them know that we were not going to flex the rules for anyone or take anyone’s crap. It was a huge lesson for me to learn that. I learned that I could speak honestly with someone even if it hurt them and know I was still being loving to both them and myself. It wasn’t the lesson that I thought I would learn devoting my time to a service organization but hey as Forest Gump would say “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get.”

~Mike

Ethics

So I’ve recently come across a situation where I’ve had to question what does it really mean to “help” people, and where does helping stop and enabling start. This month for homeless court I submitted 18 clients for court in April. One client in particular, we’ll call him Joe, took a lot of time to work on his case and make sure that he had a lot of information to show his progress. He probably stopped in twice a week to make sure his case was set. Because of his citation he needed a substance abuse verification to show the court that he has been in recovery and is taking his recovery seriously. He did bring in a verification to show his recovery and it seemed like he was on his way to improving his life.

After I submitted the files on Thursday, Joe came into ask me again how his case was doing. I wasn’t surprised by his diligence in coming and checking up on his file. I was surprised to find out that he was drunk though. I smelled liquor all over his breath, and all I could think of was “great I just sent this guy to court saying he’s recovered and he’s obviously not.” I really felt like I was being taken advantage of. Like the program I run is just a joke, a freebee to help people stay out of trouble a little longer. I don’t want to feel like that about a program that I take a lot of pride in. It’s a hard call for me to make whether to take him out of the program or just let him go through. In a sense I feel like I’m not doing him any good in the long run to just pretend like I didn’t see it. He won’t be anymore recovered. My reputation as a responsible person that gives The Alameda Homeless Court, acceptable clients that are on their way to bettering their lives, won’t be bettered by me sending him through. Yet still he is a friend of mine, and it would be a much easier process for the both of us if I just looked the other way. But it wouldn’t feel right.

This really calls into play my interactions with everyone here especially the people that walk through the doors of St. Vincent’s. When do I demand someone to take some responsibility for their actions? Even when I have the power to take the responsibility for them, and which is the easier route. It’s a hard call. I consider myself a loving person, and I don’t want to see anyone struggle or hurt, but I’ve realized that struggle and hurt are an inevitable part of life that everyone must deal with, and it’s a disservice to keep anyone from that. It stunts their growth, and mine. I feel as though I have been a little idealistic with the way I interact with the clients of St. Vincent de Paul. They are people just like everyone else and we all have our crap that we’ve got to face. It’s a common saying that God is in the poor, and I believe that, but God is telling me to let the poor work for their own salvation, and not try to save them myself. God will take their burden not me.

~Mike

Inspiration

I’ve been thinking a lot about what can get people out of a rut they may be in and I feel as though being inspired by someone else may be the thing that some people need. I’ve found that feelings are contagious, both bad and good. When you’re around someone who is upbeat and full of energy you can’t help but feel the same way, and when you are around despair and hopelessness you can’t help but feel that too. I lot of the people that I interact with here at St. Vincent’s have had to grow up in or are currently in a situation where other people’s helplessness, hopelessness, and despair rub off on them every minute of everyday. I’m proud to say though that the people who volunteer in the men’s center take it all in stride, but even the best of us need people to look up to. So I want to know where does motivation and inspiration lie in the people that I work with. I will hopefully answer that question on Friday when we have our special topics meeting in the men’s center.

I’ve recently started a men’s special topics group where I come up with a topic and try and stimulate some discussion about it. The idea is that we will all be able to learn from each others experiences, and gain knowledge that we didn’t have before. Last week I had someone come in and talk about their experiences with drugs and alcohol, and how they were able to change their life around for the better. It was really an amazing thing because this person had come from the streets to St. Vincent’s and totally changed his life around in the course of about three years. He was then able to give back to where he came from and maybe be able to help someone else. It was an inspirational thing to see.

So what inspirers people? Is it the men and women who try to break boundaries, like going to the moon or fighting for civil rights? Is it the person who walks an old lady across the street, and reminds you that there is some decency in the world? Could it be the child at daycare that goes over and hugs another child because they are crying? Or maybe it’s yourself when you realize that you are an inspiration to others and have to live rightly and justly to make the world a better place. For everyone I could ask that to I would get a different answer. I’m hoping to find that answer for the homeless men of the men’s center so I can better understand what might bring someone out of that hopeless place that so many people find themselves in.
~Mike

Structures of Violence

So I feel like it’s been a long time since I’ve written a blog. I think it’s because I wasn’t too fond of the last one I wrote, I wasn’t quite all that inspired when I wrote it. But I’ve been thinking a lot about what keeps people stuck in homelessness and poverty? I was trying to come up with some answers about why poverty is here and alive in the most developed and powerful country on earth, and something popped into my head in a speech I heard given by a priest who was doing work in El Salvador. His entire speech was about “structures of violence” and how they effected the people of El Salvador. His definition for a structure of violence was any institution, idea, or continuing circumstance that limits people from their full potential. So I began to think about what structures of society keep people stuck and don’t allow for people to have an opportunity to change.

I let this question sink in for a while and all of a sudden things started popping out at me that I felt might be part of this structure of violence. I was going to the bank the other day to get my first credit card and the banker was telling me about what the interest rates for the card were. It was something to the effect of 16.99% apr. It occurred to me that when the bank borrows my money they give me a 3.5% interest rate, but when I borrow their money I have to pay a 16.99% interest rate. It would seem that any reasonably minded person would say “Haha you gotta be kidding me I don’t want your money for 16.99%” and walk out of there.” Except that you need this thing called a good credit rating to rent an apartment or buy a house. So you need to spend money to get this “good” credit rating but you can’t spend too much or you get hit with high interest rates or fees. I would say that’s kind of limiting my freedom or anyone else’s who wants to rent an apartment or own a home.

The reality is that in order to function “successfully” in our society you must be indebted to someone. Which sounds kind of like slavery to me. It doesn’t surprise me that some people like a lot of my clients choose to live outside of that system as best they can, by maybe living on the streets or not owning much, but end up getting arrested or persecuted for being different and outside the box.

I see all the people who walk through St. Vinnny’s who have bad credit and can’t get affordable housing. They end up having to pay $800.00 a month for a small studio with a shared bathroom. Doesn’t make sense. Seems kind of like one of these structures of violence to me. Once you’re indebted to the system you can’t get out, and not only can you not get out but the longer you’re in that system the harder it is to get out. The thing is that we’re all stuck in it. Some are just more stuck then others, and on a day to day basis I see some pretty stuck people.

Another place I see this is with Social Security. Funny the name is pretty fitting and I just noticed it now. It is a system that keeps social structures intact, secure. Some people are at the top and some people are at the bottom. Some people will say “well social security keeps the economy running and doesn’t allow people to fall flat on their face if financially something doesn’t work out”, and I agree it does do that. But it also keeps some people so secure that they don’t look for new potentials. The only thing to look forward to is that next check. They don’t look for the new and creative job that lies right around the corner or the truth of themselves that they can be who ever they want to be at anytime. We only feed off of what we are given and with social security that’s not much. Don’t get me wrong some people do need it. But it’s a severely flawed system that keeps more people trapped then it does help people.

I feel like I could go on and on with more examples of the structures of violence, but I wanted to say just one more thing. And that is that these structures are not caused by one person or industry or organization. It’s not “the rich” or George Bush’s fault. It caused by a collective fear that we need this structure to survive. There is a fear that if it’s not there we will not survive. So everyone keeps on chugging along trying to just survive through the day. One of my favorite quotes is “that there’s no love in fear.” As long as we are afraid of change and the unknown there is no love. When we try to control our own destinies we end up not being able to love.

My challenge to everyone who reads this blog is only to see if you can just notice theses structures that we live in and notice how they affect you and other people. You don’t have to try and change any of it, just notice it and try to form your own personal opinion about it. If you don’t see any of these things that I’m talking about that’s OK too. But if you look you might just be surprised.

Thanks for listening to my rants and raves I feel like I just had to get this out. It’s been on my mind. I have a feeling this might offend some people or maybe you might agree with me. Either way if you feel inspired to; leave a comment.

~Mike

Updates #2

Over the past few months St. Vincent’s has really experimented with its programs for the guests that walk through its doors. One by one these pilot programs are finishing up and the managers, staff, and interns are able to take a step back and evaluate what they’ve put together and where they want to move forward. For the most part the programs have been very successful. A basic computer class was setup by one of our interns in the men’s center. It was an 8 week program that taught students everything from turning on a computer to setting up an email account. We recently had a graduation ceremony for all the students who stuck with it until the end.

The Kitchen of Champions is moving along with its second graduating class, and a graduation ceremony was held for the three graduates. It was really a sight needed to be seen to be fully appreciated. The program was well put together and seemed to be a little more “well oiled” then the first graduation. The highlight of the ceremony was both Marilyn King’s keynote speech and the student’s speeches. Marilyn King is a two time Olympian, and in her speech she talked about how she stumbled onto greatness by just having a willingness to give something a try. She acknowledged the student’s willingness to try something new and noted that it was a big step for each of them to participate in the Kitchen of Champions.

She started off by telling everyone a little bit or her story. While she was attending a pentathlon state championship the officials asked for a volunteer to participate in the meet because there were only two people competing and a third was needed to make the meet official. So she gave it a shot. To make a long story short, with a lot of self motivation and commitment to herself she went from having never competed in the pentathlon to going to the Olympics in 1972 and 1976 in a few short years.

After Marilyn spoke each of the students got a turn say a few words. Christine was the first to speak she wrote a little motivational poem and read it to the audience. Leon was the next to speak and he talked about how he just wanted to give back to the people who don’t have much, and that his belief in god and treating his fellow men and women with dignity is what brought him to St. Vincent’s and what keeps him here. The last to speak was Dolores who told everyone about how she promised her kids that she would graduate from the culinary class no matter what it took. It was a special time for all the graduates and everyone who was at the ceremony.

In addition to all the things that are finishing up and coming to an end there are some new projects coming about in the near future. For the past several months the new Men’s center has been under construction and will be done in the very soon. We have already started moving furniture and office supplies to the new center and it should be opened up sometime in early February. We will also be starting a bible study/spirituality group for both men and women in the community center. It will be a trial program to see how it goes. It should work out well and will fill a need for spiritual nourishment of the people who walk through the doors of St. Vincent’s. That’s about it I just wanted to give everyone some updates on what going on in and around St. Vincent’s.

Back in Oakland

Walking around Oakland on my first day back from a bit of a vacation, I couldn’t help but be glad to be back. As much as I enjoyed being back home and not having to live off my $100 dollar a month stipend, it didn’t feel like home. I feel like I’ve come to adopt this city as my home town. I didn’t expect coming back to Oakland to realize how much my life has changed. Between living simply and working with the people that I do the life I used to have back home looks a lot different. My friends and family are still back there but I feel as though my outlook has changed considerably. When I went back home I noticed how easy it was to distract myself from boredom, loneliness or any other unpleasant feelings I might have had. I did that with a lot of playing videogames, spending money on dinners, going out to the bars with my friends, and driving my brother’s brand new car. All that in fun, but I felt disconnected from people in general, and disconnected from any unpleasant feelings I might have been having.

So when I got back to Oakland there has been a noticeable adjustment period to going back to simple living and finding things to do that don’t cost too much money. It took an adjustment to not be distracted anymore. It kind of hit home last night when I was really bored and instead of calling up my friends and deciding which bar to go to or playing videogames long into the night I went to an NA meeting at St. Vincent’s (A little odd I know). But in all honesty it was the highlight of the last few weeks for me. The speakers they had were extremely eloquent and captured the audience’s attention better then anyone I have ever seen. I walked into a place where a group of people were devoted to helping each other to stay free of their distractions; drugs and alcohol. The people at that NA meeting were not trying to run from any unpleasant feelings they may have been having but tried to embrace them as a step in recovery. I immediately felt at home, and I felt a renewed motivation of my purpose here in JVC and volunteering at St. Vincent’s. It’s about people helping other people through their struggles and watching them grow, that’s why I came here in the first place and that why I’m excited to be back.

It feels a bit like settling in for the long haul, no more long vacations, going home, or taking a break from simple living. It feels like I just got out of the convenience store with snacks and candy in hand ready for a long car ride. There’s not a sense of drudgery about the journey but knowing that it’s going to be like this for a while so I’d better get used to the simple lifestyle and community living. There is also an excitement that when it’s all said and done I will be in a new place that I’ve never been before.